Monday, December 19, 2011

Happy Heavenly Birthday CJ

Today is my son's birthday...He would be 22 today this is a picture of his 20th birthday. The last birthday we got to celebrate with him. The day before this his daughter was born and over night we had a LOT of snow. I made a big deal about going to see him on his birthday. So we piled in the truck and headed an hour away to the hospital. We took CJ subway and cupcakes.

This is how we celebrate now...its not a celebration at all its a remembering. We went to the Memorial park and put balloons on his grave It was so cold today.

This life is so hard. I don't want to have this life. I want the life I had before that fateful day. I never imagine 22 years ago when I was giving birth this is where I would be now. I will love you always and forever CJ. You were the best son and nothing will ever change that.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Happy Birthday Callie Paige

Today is my granddaughters birthday. Callie Paige turns 2! We had her birthday party at Chuck E Cheeses yesterday. The place was crazy never again...Too many children

Callie and her PaPa

Cecil, Brittany, and I decorated CJ's grave for Christmas it was so cold today!



I hate that we have to do this because my son should be here. This life is surely not fair. But we do this together as a family and that is so important too.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

December 17, 2011

Hello, I haven't been here since Father's day 2010. The last year and a half has been a lot of emotions and still is a lot of emotions. Above is a picture of my two favorite girls. My grandaughter Callie and my daughter Brittany.

Today is my granddaughter Callie's birthday party. She will be turning two tomorrow. She is my son's daughter. He only got to be in her life for 42 days before he left this earth. There are so many emotions. Because tomorrow is her birthday and then Monday would be his 22nd birthday.

Callie is a sweet, adorable, funny and smart girl. She has so much of her dad's personality that is weird. That is where the miracle of God comes in...and how he helps to create a child and take a little bit of each parent and put it in them. Because she surely didn't learn how to be like him when he isn't here.

People tell me all the time you are so strong. I don't know how you do it. I do it only by the Grace of God he gets me through each and every day. Some of those days I cry alot some of those days I don't. Some of the days I even laugh. I am grieving and from what I hear it will always be this way. Some days are easier and some may be hard.

Going to do my best to get through this day if I cry its okay.

Friday, June 25, 2010


Well I would have thought Father's Day would have been easier on me... I am a mother..but it was a hard hard day.. Seeing my husband cry for his son was not easy. We miss Cj so much and the littlest things set us off. But the hardest is knowing that Callie will never know her Father and its just not right.

When looking at pictures...which I don't often.. I have a lot of Cj and Cecil or Brittany and Cecil I didn't have a lot of both of them with Cecil. So I made sure to get a picture this year.

This is a picture of Brittany and Cecil at our family fathers day cookout.
This is a picture of Callie at her dads grave on what would have been his first Fathers Day... She was sleeping and we didn't want to wake her but she brought a balloon by.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day 2010

Well I haven't written here in a few months.. Life has continued to go on but not without a lot of tears and sadness. Losing your child is such a hard hard thing to get through. Some days I don't know how I make it through but only with God's Help.

It is Mother's Day...the one child that made me a mother first is gone...gone to heaven. Some people tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself. Or it will get better. Or you MUST do this or that for you living child. JUST DO NOT GET IT!

My son has been gone for 14 weeks or 99 days if we want to be exact. My heart will always be missing a piece. I am not depressed I am very sad at times. But I am still living. I have a daughter and a grand daughter who I love. I have plans for the future.. So what if I have a rotten week on Mother's what if I truly do not want to celebrate today since I am not very happy.

I should not have to go to my son's grave on Mother's Day to "visit" him.

This is a picture from today...the only balloon I could find to put on his grave. The memorial park he is in only lets you do these things on special holidays.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

January 30, 2010

12/19/1989 - 1/30/2010
This is the day that has forever changed my life. My son Cj passed away. He was 20 years old and left behind a beautiful 6 week old daughter.

This is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. I do not know how I will survive it but as of right now I take it one day at a time. Some times one hour at a time. I have had some good friends that have stood by me and some friends and family that never check in.

I know its hard for them..They do not know what to say. They ask me if I am okay? Okay? Seriously how is one okay when you lose your child. The one you grew and birthed out of your body? Am I living? Yes. Am I getting up each morning because I don't have a choice? Yes.

I miss Cj like crazy. I think the first two weeks I was kind of numb. The numbness has worn off and now I just have to go on.

Please don't be afraid to mention my son. CJ is his name and remember I LOVE to hear the memories. Some are very funny. I am having a hard time looking at pictures right now too. They hurt to much.

I love you Cj! You are forever in my heart and in my mind. I think of you every day and many times through the day. I know you are watching over us and I KNOW that I will see you again. I can't wait until then.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

New Years Eve 2009

New Year's Eve we went to my sister in laws house to celebrate with the family. We have been doing this together since the year it turned 2000. We have alot of laughs and a lot of food!

Callie doing what she does best :)

Brittany S and CJ

Sandy and Brittany

The gang-minus Darlene who was taking the picture.


Courtney and Ryan
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